Confidence is a fickle thing. Takes years or forever to build and it can be shattered in an instant.
I thought I would be okay after our fall. I've had hundreds of falls. Granted, I'm not as confident as I was 10 years ago when I was willing to jump anything and the naughtier a horse was, the keener I was to ride it. I'm more apprehensive these days. I worry in heavy traffic and I won't ride a rearer.
Now we can add cross country to the list.
My first cross country schooling following the accident was tough. I didn't want to go. I sulked the whole way there and almost cried when my instructor told me to jump a lot.
I've been three times and whilst I've jumped some 90cm fences, my heart is always in my mouth and I've pulled my horse out left on the last stride too many times I can count. The Fear comes that last stride.
Especially anything gappy. I'm lucky she's so honest although it's making her back off a bit. I've only had one well deserved run out (which incidentally made Me pull myself together).
I'm planning to get some hypnotherapy. Eventing is my life. I've dedicated everything to it for 7 years of my life. My job, my lifestyle. I go without luxuries to fund it. I never go out. I never buy clothes. All to event and be the best we can be.
I'm going to an 80cm hunter trial today to do a pairs class. Normally I'd be walking on air. I withdrew Aaron le walls and swalcliffe and I've rerouted to Goring BE90 next week. The thought makes me feel a bit ill.
I also took both of them of them show jumping a couple of weeks ago. Just small classes as I needed a double clear for Cricklands. Squirrel behaved outrageously. He bucked around his whole first class and had a pole down. He bucked around part of his second class but got his double clear.
I was on my own (never again with two!) so swapping them over was fun. Lexi had a fit when I tried to loa Squirrel back up. Then Squirrel refused to load and when he finally did he charged back down just as fast with me skiing behind him. That was tragic.
Anyway Lexi was brilliant and jumped two fast double clears for 2nd and 4th place. I'm looking forward to Cricklands in two weeks. Squirrel in the 85cm and Lexi in the 105cm. I'm a bit apprehensive about the 105cm although I know she is well capable but. Nerves. I'm not so bad SJ although those 110cm classes seem a lifetime ago.
I'll get it back. I have to.
